I have been putting off writing this blog post for quite some time now as I am having difficulty articulating my feelings….for those of you who know me I am rarely at a loss for words so this comes as a surprise to me too : )

As many of you know from my past posts or from speaking with me 2011 has been the absolute worst year of my life…how do you lose a precious part of your family and still find the energy, focus, sanity etc. etc. etc. to wake up every day and keep moving forward.  The pain, the shock, the sadness, the disbelief and the guilt is palpable and some days still after 7 months there is an actual physical aching in my heart….my broken heart.  How families move forward still remains a mystery to us right now but I pray something will change over time and lighten this load.  A friend who recently lost his wife told me that living after losing a loved one is kind of like everyday having to carry a huge load…sometimes you hold it, sometimes you drag it which makes it feel lighter but it is always there with you, you just find new ways of carrying it to make it more bearable…I thought it was a good analogy.

I am trying to learn how to live with this sadness and lack of focus while making more time for my family which is the point of this blog post…. I have chosen to take a leave of absence from my business for now…I am not certain when or if I will be returning to work.  I am hoping some clarity will come as time passes.  I have loved photographing you…..all of the wonderful families, newborns, children I have had the true honour of being touched by…..I look back at my body of work and can honestly remember moments from every one of these sessions.  Rocking newborns to sleep, connecting with the teenage boy who has no desire to be here, making a new mom comfortable or a 4 year old giggle crazily…..these are parts of my job which have left an indelible mark on me……this “job” has made me the person I am now…it has shaped me and changed me and given me a confidence I never knew I had both as an artist and simply a human being.  I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to be a part of the lives of my amazing clients…..it is a wonderful feeling to know that in a sea of photographers you chose me.  Thank you for that….it is more appreciated than you can know.

I truly hope this is not a goodbye but rather a “see you soon”…. I’m gone wishing.  Wishing for the load to lighten, wishing for a sign from above and days which are filled with happy memories instead of this sadness.  I hope that the passion I have had for photography will return and I will be reminded that being a photographer is not only my job but it is part of who I am.

Thank you all for visiting and for your loyalty to my work…I never felt deserving of it but I always so appreciated it.

I can still be reached by email: cynmoore@sympatico.ca for any questions, past session orders or to honour gift certificates already purchased

Although weddings are not “my thing”…mainly because it makes me incredibly nervous (hats off to those of you who do this so well every weekend) I so enjoyed spending the day with a family I love and watching this sweet couple pledge their love to one another.

Thank you Alec and Jocelyn for allowing me to be part of your beautiful day….it was an honour.

These could very possibly be some of the sweetest photos I have ever taken…Daniel and Cate were  perfect in every way….what struck me most in looking through these images is that I felt as though I could honestly see the love and bond that these two brand new little lives share….with her arm around her “big” brother, snuggled in tight as can be, Cate seemed to be adoring Daniel in the most primal, natural way, void of any of the knowing or understanding that comes with age and experience it just looked like  love…pure and simple.

In the midst of my sadness it brought me a smile.

Yesterday was the the absolute worst day of my life…..as I was unlocking my front door, hands full of mail, newspaper, coffee etc. my cel phone rang and I scrambled to answer it…this was the last moment of the “perfect” life I have known…

I have always felt that my family is blessed…that we have been watched over all of these years keeping us safe and out of harms way…I realize this may sound naive or even arrogant to those of you who have suffered a loss or true hardship…that is not my intention and I always so appreciated this blessing with caution knowing that one day something awful may happen and blindside my family and the peace I have for so long enjoyed…..

Sadly, yesterday that day came…..that phone call was my older sister and her whispering voice could not hide the disaster that was about to come, the phone call that you dread but hope you’ll never receive telling you that someone you love is gone….

the rest is kind of a blur as are the past 24 hours…I come in and out of reality which I think is your minds way of protecting you from the pain you would feel if you could actually absorb the news in its entirety

My beautiful niece of only 20 years passed away in her sleep April 15, 2011….she had been complaining of headaches and was scheduled to see a neurologist this coming week but before she could a small tumour in her brain stopped her heart while she slept peacefully.

We are devastated and forever changed..our lives will always be marked by this date and I feel as though we can never be the same…a part of us is missing.

Gillian was a stunningly beautiful girl who probably had the best smile of anyone I’ve ever met, twinkly eyes and these crazy huge dimples….I don’t think I ever told her that : (   yet it is the first thing I see when i imagine her face.

She was just starting her life…fresh out of school, with a job interview this week and a boyfriend she adored and hoped to marry one day…we had just celebrated her birthday last week with a dinner out and I hassled her about texting while at the table as I always did and she rolled her eyes in response as she always did…this was our shtick…I hope she knew that…that no matter what I loved her dearly and my heart is broken missing her….I feel as though I may never recover….

I am forever changed.

I love you Gillian and I will miss you everyday of my life.

“Unable are the loved to die…for love is immortality.” ~emily dickinson

It is so nice to spend time with teenagers…it is a peek into what I have to look forward to with my own children and a reminder that I am so not cool anymore : )

Thank you Ethan!  Totally enjoyed our shoot and will definitely be adding a little Nirvana to my playlist.

Thank you Scott and Dawn for allowing me to photograph your amazing, little girl!

this little man is Spencer, the sweetest, tiny little peanut!  he literally could not stay awake and did not make a peep…just how I like them : )

Thank you so much girls!

This couple were so incredibly sympatico and relaxed…they just “fit” together perfectly which made my job that day ridiculously easy and so enjoyable…it didn’t hurt that they are both beautiful!

Thank you M & T for letting me capture this amazing time in your lives.